Friday, May 30, 2008

Hot Legs

is what i better have after the last couple days!

Week 8 has absolutely flown by. This week has been huge for me as far as my postures and my practice. On monday they had announced that tryouts to demonstrate at graduation would be held and I didn't really think twice about it... well, actually I thougt there's no way I can demo, my practice is only mediocre. Yesterday they decided they would do a preliminary tryout after class with the staff and senior teacher Jason Winn. Then 30 (of the 60 or so) would tryout in front of Bikram. I had an okay class yesterday, but I was headed straight out the door when I got stopped by Sarah who asked me why the hell I was leaving. I immiediately told her there was no way I was going to try out, I can't even get my head to my knee in standing head to knee. She pointed out (thanks sarah) that was not the best attitude to have and reminded me of what Bikram would say "you have nothing to lose because you had nothing to start with". After hemming and hawing over it i turned back around and decided to swallow my pride and tryout. Despite the fact that it was completely horrific-- i was in the second group and i kept looking around thinking, all these people are way better than me. Jason told the first group that anyone that couldn't do full standing head to knee was out and I was tempted to get up right there but I figured I was already there, might as well give it a try... when my group was up to go, Bikram was just walking through and decided that i needed an adjustment on my half moon. lucky me, all of a sudden i felt two hard jerks on my body, a couple cracks and "oh F&*?!" come out of my mouth. nice way to start off a tryout. somehow, i survived yesterday though, and was asked to come back today to tryout. (don't get too excited- i didn't make it today) but anyhow, i woke up feeling horribly stiff. I swallowed two alieve and had a pretty decent morning class, but I still couldn't get my damn head to my knee without falling. I had never done it before and I could feel a sense of dread building up inside of me. I kept worrying bikram was going to yell at me for wasting his time. We had our tryouts at noon and by the time we got up there I was sweating bullets and probably shaking like a leaf. We started our demonstration, backbend, forward bend, dun dun dun... then came Standing head to knee... I don't know if it was just because Boss was there watching or what but I actually did it!!! and I didn't fall out!! I came back out with the group in total unisen! I was so happy. And then came bow, which I usually love, and I fell out. and then we did the sequence again. .. and again i was able to get my head to my knee without falling, but i think i was so shocked i had done it, i couldn't concentrate on anything because i fell out of standing bow again. To my relief, Bikram didn't yell at me though, instead he nicely said, "You in the red top, black shorts, Thank you. You may sit down" I looked up at him and the funny thing was I had a grin on my face. I didn't care about bow, I had a personal victory and that was good enough for me. To be completely honest, I was actually relieved. I am more confident in my practice than I was, but I still know that I have a long way to go, and I'm looking forward to enjoying the last week instead of fretting about whether or not I fall during a demo.

I went into afternoon class still feeling pretty good because I kept thinking, wow, I made it that far, I got to tryout in front of Bikram, that's a big deal. I had a great class too. I went farther into half moon than i ever have before. I was in awkward thinking geeze, my legs don't even hurt and they should be killing me right now. My knees had no problem locking out in the other postures and I kept thinking, what's going on? This is great!!! and then i realized in addition to the two alieve i took this morning, i popped three before the tryout... which basically meant that the reason why I was going so deep in class was because I couldn't feel the pain that was for sure there. Not cool, that means, I'm going to be hurting tomorrow. BUt I can deal with that.

Tonight is the talent show, and the staff surprised us with pizzas before so I'm going to head out. Pictures to follow soon of odds and ends. much love to everyone, and I'll be home soon!! :)

Monday, May 26, 2008

Manic Monday

... NOT!! actually i'm happy to report this was by far the best monday we've had. Brandy taught morning class and it was a solid strong class, not too hot, not too humid, i think only one person threw up and it was a visiting teacher. Rumor has it, he came straight outta camel, flung himself forward and projectile vomited all over his mat. impressive if not disgusting. I on the other hand felt pretty good. Aternoon class went really well too. I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to locking my leg in the standing bow. I even got a compliment on it after class from Christian which made me smile. I think everyone is in high spirits mostly due to the fact that we are FINISHED WITH POSTURE CLINIC!!! WAHOO!!!

actually, we're not finished, but we did do the last posture today. I don't know why but Spine Twist was such a drag to learn. Way too many lefts and rights to keep track of, and it felt like my brain was so full how could i possibly squeeze another posture in there. But somehow I managed and I think I did a pretty good job of delivering it today. Actually everyone really seemed to go out with a bang which was nice to see. After we finished we did sort of a mock class with all of us taking turns trading in and out of teaching kind of like a relay race. It was actually really entertaining. I started with Left and Right side of Half Moon and it was cake. I think I can do that posture in my sleep after hearing it almost 300 times the first week. It was pretty exciting to see everyone finally stringing the dialog together and it was funny to hear the crazy things that just came crashing out of people's mouths while they searched for the words.

Even lecture with Bikram went well today. He let us out before midnight even and as usual he kept us laughing. Allegedly, he invented the Disco, or so he says. i'm serious. I'm waiting for him to tell us that he also invented the question mark..... we'll see. But even with the laughs, he does spit out some pearls of wisdom occasionally. He talked about the body tonight and the main point of what he was saying (i think) is that if you take care of your body and your health, you will also be taking care of your mind and your spirit. I buy that. I know when I'm healthy, I'm happy. Plus it makes me feel good about what I'm going to be doing as a teacher. It's empowering to be able to help other people, and more importantly, we're going to be helping people help themselves. There's something about the ownership of knowing that you are doing something good for yourself. I think the key to that is having the sense of self worth, to know that it's exactly what you deserve. I think that's why most of us, if not all are here. Weve all been blessed by this yoga and we've helped ourselves so much that we want to share that with others. It's such a relief to think that here we are after 7 weeks of crying, puking, pooping, cramping, cramming, and we can still see clearly the reason why we're here. Our vision hasn't yet been clouded by the extranious (and sometimes yucky) circumstances. That's because, right now, at this moment, we're on the path we're supposed to be on. Again this is definitely the training of John, Paul, George, and Ringo, but it makes me think of the line from "There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be/ It's easy/ All you need is love, love love/ Love is all you need" It's true. and for everyone back home, learn to love your yoga if you don't already! It'll rock your world, I promise. :)

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Two Outta Three Ain't Bad...

This weekend was so nice I think washed away my bad friday. I spent all saturday laying in the sun and I swear the rays are pure medecine. I went straight under the covers after the pool and i think i layed in bed from about 5 in the afternoon till this morning. it felt so good! i watched random movies that were on tv here and I went over some dialog. This morning i had a long talk with mom and dad. It was a much needed connection to the real world. I was all worked up about friday's class but dad made me realize how dwelling on it, and building it up in my head would do nothing but stress me out. Right now, my body is feeling is good and my mind is pretty relaxed. I spent another day by the pool. I played in the ocean too, and it was a blast. It was the first time i've just swam around and actually played in the waves in I can't even remember how long. I've gone wading in a few times but usually i don't want to get my hair all salty or I don't like thinking about how dirty the water is... (i'm was born a chlorine kid) but i think it was good for me to just let go and actually swim around out there. I think just being in the water is good for me. I spent the majority of about 10 years of my life underwater and it's still so welcoming. I feel like I'm at home trading water or paddeling around. Tonight my group had a "family" sunday dinner and i think everyone had a great time. It was great to have everyone together in a completely stress free environment. It's always interesting to hear about everyone's lives back home. It's so easy to just see how someone is in the yoga room or doing posture clinics but I loved hearing about their kids or jobs, or whatever else makes them happy back home. AFter dinner I worked on our last posture (yippee!) with my friend jenn. We gabbed for about as long as we practiced and it occured to me how much I am going to miss some of the good friends I have met here. There are so many different walks of life, backgrounds, and cultures here, but we all have something in common that links us. More than that, we're all on this crazy trip together and we've all been here for eachother. I can't count the number of times i've reached out and put a hand on the shoulder of someone that's been crying, and equally the same number of people have reached out and touched me. There's no question, we'll all survive the next two weeks, and we'll all be stronger and better people for the struggle we've overcome.

Friday, May 23, 2008

When The Levee Breaks....

so the other night I was talking to a friend that's a visiting teacher and we we're talking about how crazy a 5:00 class had been. people were dropping like flies... puking, cramping, bodies we're going down left and right. she was saying how she had never seen anything like it, and my idiot self was proclaiming how lucky I was because I was feeling so damn good. I was saying how I felt amazing because I was already on the downhill and my body was feeling just fine and dandy. wow... way to jinx the shit out of myself....

my friday morning class was terrible. like terrible, as in I had to be carried out crucifixion style with a nurse and craig under each of my shoulders and my whole body fully contracted underneath me as though i was nailed to a cross. they were joking about it later saying i had skills because i had my feet 6inches above the ground the whole way out.. most people at least drag a little. it was pretty bad. what's shitty is that i was feeling so great for the whole standing series. I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to doing the standing splits in bow and i just felt good.... until camel that is. I came out of the first set of camel and i don't know what happened but it was like the whole world was spinning in slow motion. I felt like i was in The Labrynth in the end scene where the stairs are all over the place. I could hear Zeb talking on the loudspeaker but it sounded garbled and I couldn't make out what he was saying. i don't really know what happened after that, i couldn't breathe and then the nurse said i must have started hyperventilating or something and that made me cramp up and start shaking.

the cramping up things is funny because before i came to training, i had gotten cramps before, but i didn't understand how a whole body could cramp up. ya kinda have to see it to get the full effect, but the joke is you kind of get velausa raptor claws where your hands used to be, your feet do a weird curl up thing to, and if it gets bad enough your whole body becomes rigid and even your mouth gets all distorted... it's not pretty. rumor has it i looked like a cross between the girl from the Grudge and the girl from the Excorcist. Erika said my body was completely convulsing and my face was completely white except my lips looked purple. it had to have been bad because all day yesterday and still this morning i've had people asking how i was and telling me how scared it was to see. I talked to the nurse about it, and she said i must have just been dehydrated and she told me i should have seen warning signs... but the thing is I had drank an entire pedialyte when I woke up, and i didn't have any cramps before that. plus, the way I came to so quickly afterwards, i couldn't have been that dehydrated... so i guess i don't really know what happened. all i know is that it scared the shit out of me because i had been feeling so great right before it happened. i guess you never know what your body is going to do, or what's going to come up. at least i'm feeling fine now, my afternoon class and morning class today went well enough, except my whole body still aches from being so tight. apparently my muscles are in better shape than i thought my friend jenn reported to me that she had never seen my stomach so contracted before. she said i had a 6 pack even! that, at least makes me smile!

today i spent a nice day relaxing and resting by the pool, and i'm going to stay in and lay low tonight. i know i'll miss this place and this experience when it's over, but right now, i'm ready to be back home and back to the real world...

Wednesday, May 21, 2008


it's week 7 and right now i feel like everyone's just doing what they can to put in their time and get through the week. Yesterday was a hell of a day for me, solid morning class, then the rain came down.. literally. the sky was grey and it poured all morning. First posture clinic was not great. I was told I was struggling to much with perfection and I needed to get over it.. not great feedback.. the night before I had been told that I sounded tentative which is even worse. There's nothing worse than a teacher that's tentative because it sounds like they have no idea what there talking about. So i went into afternoon class feeling pretty shitty, and i was upset about silly odds and ends that are totally outta my control. I was on the foot from the start...

The tears started midway through first breathing, which was just awkward because i was right smack dab in front of the teacher. I got the tears under control, but the whole class i felt like i was fighting an anxiety attack. I don't know why but it was such astruggle to breathe. I found myself holding my breath in every posture which is pretty much exactly what you're not supposed to do. and i know that too, which made it even worse. By the time final breathing rolled around, i had myself worked up pretty good, and when we got into savasanah the teacher started singing to us some beatles song (this is the training of the beatles i swear) anyhow, the tears came flooding out. I cried and cried and cried. I layed there balled up in the fetal position for a good 10-15 minutes and i still walked out choking on tears. it was not pretty. we got in the elevator packed with 6 other people and i choked out to erika "Oh, god, INAPPROPRIATE MOMENT!" (my worst fear is that i'm gonna start crying at an inappropriate moment.. such as in posture clininc, in front of bikram, or as the case may be- in the middle of an elevator ride.

Long story shorter, i pulled myself together, realized as much as i wanted to curl up and take a break from life for a few days that was not an option. I had to just keep going. I had to fake it or make it. So i cleaned myself up, did my hair, put make up on, smiled at myself and told myself i was going to bring it at posture clinic. and bring it i did. We were up for camel pose which for some reason seemed scary as hell, and to make matters worse, the teacher that was proctoring our group just had to be the same teacher that taught class. I was mortified. all i wanted to do was apologize to him for my shitty class and tears. Instead, I jumped my ass up, and was the first volunteer.

I f-ing delivered it. I gave it up, and afterwards he kinda laughed and told me I was like a superhero or something. (my hair did look a little supergirl status-- it was all poufed up and I was wearing some sort of red white and blue shirt) he told me it was pretty powerful. i explained to him, that i needed it to be that way, for me. and then i proceeded to apologize for my terrible horrible, class... in front of everyone, he gave me sort of a blank stare and said he hadn't really noticed, and that he doesn't judge people by there practice... without even thinking i blurted out, well, that's okay becasue I judged myself for it. He siad he noticed, as did everyone else in the room i'm sure. i could feel the rising tears in my voice and i was shaking life a leaf. He was pretty cool though and i think that he understood that i needed to get this posture out to prove it to myself. he did tell me i should add a little warmth to my voice next time which is funny because that's the first time i've ever heard that.

there were a lot of good lessons to be learned though. For starters, I'm proud of myself that I got my shit together and was still able to deliver despite how i felt. I'm glad I realized that the students don't need, pay for, or deserve a teacher that brings her own issues into the room. Any bad attitude or personal problem needs to be left at the door. Second though I need to lay off the judgement. I always say i don't judge, but the truth is, I judge myself all the time. I think everyone's worst critic is themselves. Now i need to remember that i do have super powers, everyone does, I just have to rely on the energy inside of me, but still bring with it my heart which makes me me.

(Sidenote: i've got my breath back. today i relished in every breath i took and today's classes were damn near lovely.)

Monday, May 19, 2008

Dancin in the streets

This is by far the best monday I have ever had! For the first time ever, before afternoon class I did full camel! Here's a picture of my camel before I left, and then there's one of me getting into it, and finally full camel. So thrilling, I think I squealed when I felt my head touch me feet. It was the craziest thing. I didn't even know if I could do it, but two girls did it in posture clinic today, and damnit, they made it look so easy (it's not!) i thought I want to try. so i started doing back bends as soon as I got in the hot room and I had one of the girls lead me into it -- I really was half expecting her to tell me I still had a ways to go, but I did it.

I think it's because I had Celeste's shorts on and I was thinking about her good energy, so thank you Celeste! :)

Friday, May 16, 2008

Three Little Birds

the best word to describe today is INTENSE...

To start with, i woke up in pain.. bad pain. i walked to class with a feeling of dread. it didn't get better. in fact it got worse. somehow, i got transported to a hotter than hell desert and i was standing in a huge patch of quicksand. or at least that's what it felt like, because it was all i could do to stand without my legs sinking underneath me. To make matters worse, it's re-certification time, and I happened to be in the back row so I felt like I had 40 visiting teachers boring holes into the back of my head. i was stuck in my head and it was no bueno. I had myself convinced each one of them was thinking "who is this girl in the blue shorts? she looks like a stuffed sausage, her postures are terrible, she'll never be a good teacher, i bet her dialog sucks, blah blah blah..." oh the power of negative thinking. Honestly all that garbage was going through my head in the first breathing exercise, so you can imagine how the rest of my class went. the only thing that stopped me from freaking out about what the visiting teachers were thinking was the sick realization, "Oh SHIT.. it's friday which means tomorrow is saturday and craig's teaching." then my thoughts went a little something like this "I don't know how I'm gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it, that a-hole is gonna hold awkward so f*#*-ing long, and i'm just not gonna be able to do it. Maybe i'll die first, maybe they'll run out of pedialyte and I'll cramp up into the fetal position during half moon and won't have to do the rest of class" ---- imagine 90 minutes of thoughts like that-- oh, i was on a full speed trip to Negative Town and there was no stopping me.

somehow I dragged my stormcloud of a self to brunch. I'm not sure what exactly it was or when it happened, but i found myself hanging out after I had finished eating and just chatting with the people around me. it wasn't even bitter chit chat! I was talking to this woman who had been struggling throughout all of her posture clinics. She was a little on the shy side. I hadn't really spoken to her much before but we clicked for a while, we shared a connection. it was like i knew that the last thing this person needs is negativity, so i sucked it up and acted chipper, and believe it or not I walked away feeling pretty chipper too. I got back to my room, took a shower shaved my legs and get this- i put make up on! because i wanted to, i felt like it. my day only got better too, I went to posture clinic, and even though I didn't even do a posture, I had a great clinic. Everyone is making improvements, having break throughs, and you can't help but get swept up in their excitement. I felt their success while it happened. I walked back to my room with a damn near spring in my step.

and then came time for afternoon class, I was nervous wondering who was gonna be teaching. we got in the elevator at the same time a visiting teacher did and to my surprise, she had a look of dread on her face! she even said she was nervous about class because the morning was so hard. she said all the visitng teachers had died in class and she couldn't believe how humid the room is! she even said she was IMPRESSED by how well adjusted we seemed to be and how great we did!! What?! you mean the teachers weren't distracted by my terrible practice, or my water retention? you mean they were struggling too?! CRAZY! i have to admit, this kinda pumped me up. I walked into class almost psyched. I got in there, and looked around and had a whole new perspective shift. I thought about how cool it was to have all the visitng teachers there, and i realized how incredibly high the energy was. it was electric. It was official, all these bodies, all this good juju, I had to have a great class... and then Craig walked in. He was headed straight to the podium carrying his towel and pedialyte with him..... now here comes the exciting part... remember I spent a good hour this morning absolutely hating him, but today, this afternoon, I thought No Way, He's Not Stealing My Peace. and i didn't let him. I worked my ass off and had a pretty good class if i do say so. I managed to stay in the first set of awkard, all three poses the whole time without falling out. (Huge personal victory) and gave my 110% throughout the rest of the class too. When we went down for the final savasanah i kept thinking, this is it, this is why i'm here. I conquered my own negative thinking. I am strong and I am capable.

(sidenote: i've been doing personal mantras like crazy-- I feel like Stewart Smalley, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and doggone it people like me.." wow.)

anyhow, so here's the super cool part of my day, Criag usually does this whole visualization business that reminds me a little of Bob Ross-- way too breathy and too much talk of the "crystal clear ocean and the turquoise glimmering water". i was waiting for him to launch into it and talk about how the waves are having fun while they lap against you, when to my LOVELY surprise i hear background music turn on over the sound of his mic........ Bob Marley. oh yes,

"Don't worry. About a thing.
Cause every little thing
Is gonna be alright"

it was wondrous, it really was. music really gets to me and to have over 300 bodies exhausted, drained, rundown, sweaty, smelly bodies laying in one great room, half naked and chillin singing along to bob marley was unbeliveable. I just thought wow, this is it. apparently the feeling was shared because everyone started clapping in tune and there was a burst of energy that was gelt throughout the room. literally it started in one corner, with one person that let out a "woop! woop!" and it swept across the space like a giant wave. I've never felt anything like it before. one of the most important things i've learned so far is the inconceivable amount of energy inside of someone. what's truy amazing is that how powerful that energy can be when it's combined with someone else's. You really get a sense of the endless possibilites there are when a group is formed. This training has so far been the hardest thing that i have ever done, but already it's easily the most rewarding. I just need to keep telling myself...

Don't worry about a thing,
Cause every little thing gonna be alright.
Singing Don't worry about a thing,
Cause every little thing gonna be alright!

Rise up this mornin,
Smiled with the risin sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Saying, This is my message to you ou ou

Singing Don't worry bout a thing,
Cause every little thing gonna be alright.
Singing Don't worry bout a thing,
Cause every little thing gonna be alright!!!!!!!

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Smile Like You Mean It

today was picture day for my group! yup, i felt like it was my senior year in highschool again.. except i had a tie dyed shirt on which would have been SOOO UNCOOL at lodi high ;) i gotta admit it felt kinda nice to actually blow dry my hair and put on make up.... miss you all so much. much love and kisses! especially to max and sabine :)

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


so last week after our speaker i was rigorously manifesting bigger boobs, well to be honest, it zipped through my head for a split second during savasannah and that was the extent of it-- but it seems that was enough! guess who's staying at our hotel this week? a whole conventions' worth of Plastic Surgeons! coincidence? i think not. note to self: must write personal testimonial to speaker about my manifestation success. further note: i think i spent more time imagining life with a tail... should i be concerned i might need to get my jeans altered to accomodate such a tail? ;)


i'm on a streak, 3 fantastic classes in a row. I don't know what it is, but it feels like my body is just clicking into place finally. I'm still sore, and my hams still feel like they've shrunken, but I feel like I've been able to go deeper into my postures somewhat consistantly. I've been in a great mood, and I've actually been pretty awake and alert during lectures.. this is also the 3rd night we've been lucky enough to be out just after midnight so the added sleep has to be helping. Raj and Bikram are leaving tomorrow morning and i'm bummed Raj won't be back until graduation. I can't describe what an effect she has on anyone in her presence. words really don't do her justice, you have to meet her to understand. She ended lecture with a guided breathing excercize and then she read something for us that spoke to me. She talked about how pain was nothing more than a protective shell and you have to chip away at it in order to get to understanding. (ps---that's not the first time i've heard that metaphore-- ahem... JENICE!) She also talked about the importance of giving yourself to others and how that was the heart of teaching yoga. It struck a cord with me because I've been trying to do just that. I've noticed the more I do, the better I feel about myself too. Bikram always tells us, "you are born to give, not to get- and in doing so, you will receive true happiness". I defintely think it's true, and there's nothing more personally healing than helping to heal someone else... even if it's just a smile, a hand squeeze, or better yet i've noticed, a hug- it can really make a difference. So i'm gonna continue being positive and ride this wave as long as I can.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Rollercoaster of Love..

Yesterday was intense. I don't know what it was, but everythign was piled up on my shoulders and I started crying before breathing even started in morning class.. not a good sign. I made it through class (without missing a posture, even though my shoulders were shaking throughout. I got myself together, and right before posture clinic i realized i just needed a big hug. sounds lame but i just needed someone to tell me everythign was gonna be alright. basically i needed my family and since that wasn't in the cards, i made a beeline for the nextbest thing, Lisa Duvall. Lisa is an amazing woman with a heart the size of her homestate, texas, and more importantly she's the mom of two kids. She looked at my face and gave me a huge hug and just held me for a long time. I felt like i could finally just cry without trying to hold it in or worry about what someone was going to think. it was such a relief. She practiced next to me in afternoon class and before class we talked for a long time about odds and ends about family and home and just life. Rajashree is back in town and taught that class, and i don't know if it was her or lisa, or what but i finally felt like i had a beautiful practice. It just flowed and i felt like i could stay in the postures all day.

Rajashree is such an inspiration. She was a 5 time world yoga champion, Miss India, she's very well educated, and she still manages to be a mother, and a wife.. (to someone that I imagine would be very difficult to be married to). She just has this presence. We were talking about it at lunch. I don't know exactly what it is, you can't pin point it, but it's like she really does glow from the inside out. She has some of the best energy I have ever experienced, and it all seems to radiate from her heart. What's realy incredible to me is that she garners the same respect as Bikram, if not more, and she doesn't demand it like he does. Not to knock him, he's very deserving of respect, but they're perfect foils for eachother. He's loud, foulmouthed, obnoxious, and completely politically incorrect. She's quiet, softspoken, gentle, and utterly appropriate. Last night he was lecturing about the differenced between men and women.... some of which I took with a grain of salt, and an understanding that Indian culture is very different than the culture that I have. I won't go into details.. i wouldn't want to put words in his mouth, and it's too easy to judge him if you've never met him. But I will say that while, I may not particualy agree with everything he says, I'm starting to understand where he's coming from and I am appreciating him more and more.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Lay Lady Lay...

that was all i could do after class this morning. actually, i wasn't sure if i was even goign to be able to get myself up after class this morning. Bikram kept us in the lecture room till 4:15 AM!!! and class started at 8am... keep in mind that means our friday went from 7am-4:15am, and that's coming off of thursday's 7am-2:15am....

it was beyond bad.... like i would have to say it was physically the hardest class i've ever taken and it had nothing ot do with the instructor. (the instructor was the current female world champion and i've gotta admit i've never heard anyone with better dialog- she was amazing) too bad my body was not amazing. during the first breathing exercise, i had a panic thinking, oh shit, what am i gonna do, there's no way i can handle 90 minutes of this. somehow, i survived, not without sitting out triangle. it was the first time since i started yoga that i had to sit out the whole first and second set. i plopped down during second set of standing separate leg, made an effort to try triangle.. took a big step out to the right (4 feet minimum), and then i went down. hard. i tried to stand back up again before the escond set and i think i got up to my knees, and went down again. it wasn't pretty. the floor series was pretty rough too. i think i was half asleep-- to the point of dreaming the entire time. it wasn't just being tired that was rough, my body just hurt. it wasn't a sharp pain but more of a dull throbbing ache that would not go away.

but i have to admit, the aching was momentarily forgotten while i napped by the pool later ;) again, it's bikram's whole 100% pain and then 100% relaxation that he claims works so well... i'm still skeptical about the need for the 100% pain, but damn that relaxation part feels amazing. our usual pool is closed for the weekend so we switched it up to an even bigger one with a bridge, waterfall, cave area and a swimup bar (lotta good that does with the no alcohol policy in effect) but it is pretty sweet here. it's definitely not real world. i can't decide what it feels like, it's not quite vacation because i've never been in so much pain on vaca, but it's not quite work either. it's strange. as nice as it is to play in the pool all day, the weekends are still hard in their own way. during the week i don't have too much time to think about home, but on the weekends i can't help it. i miss home, i'll admit it. as much as i love it here, i will be very happy to get on the plane in june. at first i was kind of upset about how much i miss my life and the people in my life back home. i worried i wasn't nearly as independent as i want to think i am, but that's not it. i think i'm just realizing, i'm lucky because home is a really good place for me, and i'm blessed to have amazing family and friends. i've talked to a bunch of people here who have no idea where they're going from here... as in they booked a one way flight here. on the one hand, i like knowing that i have options when i come home, but more than that, i love knowing that i have a home to go back to. eventually in the future, i might want to think about teaching somewhere exotic and exciting, and i think i will always love travelling and visiting different places, but for right now, the central valley sounds just right for me.

Friday, May 9, 2008


also comedy-- we had a speaker yesterday who was pretty good. he talked about fascia and the power of positive thinking and the potential of our energy power and all that jazz... really he was great but some parts were a little far fetched... like when someone asked him about amputees.... he said and i quote "do i think they can grow their limbs back? yes. Have i seen it done before, well no, but lizards can grow their tails back." on that note he continued to talk about the power of manifesting and positive thinking, which i do totally buy into, and i couldn't resist asking him if on that same token, it's possible to manifest physical attributes... such as bigger boobs perhaps. much to my satisfaction, he said sure it's possible, i just have to believe it and not just want it. hmmm... not a bad deal, note to self, a tail might be enjoyable as well, think i can grow one of those while i'm at it?

I wanna be sedated

just got outta class this morning and it was ROUGH. honestly it was one of the physically hardest classes i can remember taking. we didn't get out of lecture last night till well after 2am and i woke up obviously tired but incredibly sore and stiff. But it's over! and i have to admit last night's lecture was hilarious at times. Bikram has been telling us the past couple days how he used to be able to crack coconuts on his head. let me tell you, never disbelieve this guy because he will always prove you wrong. We were getting a little restless and tired last night so he decided to wake up up with a coconut cracking demonstration. Yes he did it. After several attempts of just bashing the coconut into his noggin and trying to punch it loose with his fist, he ended up having to hit it against the floor once but then he finally cracke it over his skull. Then, i think his pride was wounded a bit because he had to use the floor, so he proceeded to grab another coconut, this one was smaller and proved to be much more successful, i think he got it on only like his third try. Honestly i thought i was going to pee my pants, i have never laughed so hard in my life. I mean this as no disrespect to the guy, and i know this is so politicall incorrect to say, but jeeze he looked like he was retarded up there, for reals, mentally disabled, or "screw loose brain" like he likes to say. basicaly he was beating the crap out of himself, there was coconut water flying everywhere, his forehead was getting redder and redder, and then he just say, "See! I told you!" if that's not comedy i don't know what is. i will see if i can steal some pictures of the spectacle and post them on here, but fo rnow i'm off to breakfast. adios.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

The Invitation

Rajashree read this to us during savasanah exactly one month ago. It brought tears in my eyes then, and I re-read it almost every day. it still resonates within me. It makes me think about who I want to be, who I already am, and what I am searching for. and for some reason it makes me think about my 2 year old neice and the kind of wisdom I want to pass on to her someday....

The Invitation
By, Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else fails away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Time To Get Ill...

i spent last night curled up on the bathroom floor, alternating between puking my brains out and pooping like it's cool... it's not that cool trust me. It was not pretty, but it is ironic becaues we went to dinner last night at the same italian place we ate at last sunday and i remember telling everyone oh sure the water is good here! well, thankfully we didn't end up drinking the water- who knows how much worse it could of been, but for some reason i made the not so bright choice of ordering Beef Carpaccio and a caprese salad. I thought if i was trying to cut down on some lbs i should lay off the pasta, but who orders raw beed in mexico? Thankfully I stocked up on pedialyte last night at wal mart so i'm drinking it as we speak, and I'm feeling a lot better.

Class this morning went really well despite the fear my belly was going to exploid. Lynn taught and it was good and bad... good because I worked harder than i wanted to for her, and bad because now my body is miserable. On a more somber note, we got word right before savasanah that Bikram's guru's son, (and Bikram's best friend) had passed away a few hours ago. In honor of him Bikram felt it was only right that we don't continue with any classes today... so in a twist of fate we have the day off. I sent prayers up for Bikram and the family during savasanah, and I wish it was under different circumstances, of course, but I can't say that I wont enjoy the day off. I'll be sure to avoid any raw meats though!

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Here Comes The Sun

Just got back from Wal Mart, and that song was on there. Kinda cracked me up because I remember it playing last week (walmart has become a regular sunday night field trip) but both times it made me happy which should be a good way to go into week 5. Week 4 was.. well it's over, so I can say that much. This weekend was really nice though. Yesterday we had the fantastic yoga miracle of Jim from San Diego teaching our 8am class instead of Craig.. it was honestly lovely! after class we got a cabana on the beach and relaxed all afternoon. we did a little dialog, played in the waves and worked on our tans. I was a big bum and stayed in all night while everyone went out to dinner down town, but it felt so nice to have some me time. I took a bath, deep conditioned my hair, painted my toes, watched some movies, emailed, it was glorious. Today I was able to talk to mom and dad for awhile and i really needed it. I can't believe how much I miss home. It's only been a month, and I really do love it here, but it makes me realize how much I love home too, especially the people. I keep having the strangest dreams at night and my neice and nephew keep popping up in them. I had one dream my neice was already 10 years old and i had missed out on so much. I'm not wishing my time here away, but it's funny because so many people here have been talking about how they don't really know where they're gonna be living or what they're going to do after training. I guess now is a really great time to be looking for a job, studios all over the world are hiring, but for the first year at least, there's no where else I'd want to be than the sacramento area. I miss my studio in elk grove, i miss my parents house in lodi, and lord knows i miss the apartment i had in downtown sac. During the week I don't really have much time to be homesick, all we can think about is class and dialog, but the weekends are a little hard for me. I just feel funny not even having my cell phone with me. It's been over a month now and before i wouldnt fall asleep without my cell phone next to me in bed, not that i got important phone calls, really it was my alarm clock, but still... anyhow, i'm gonna study some dialog and then hit the sheets, night night all!

Just got back from Wal Mart, and that song was on there. Kinda cracked me up because I remember it playing last week (walmart has become a regular sunday night field trip) but both times it made me happy which should be a good way to go into week 5. Week 4 was.. well it's over, so I can say that much. This weekend was really nice though. Yesterday we had the fantastic yoga miracle of Jim from San Diego teaching our 8am class instead of Craig.. it was honestly lovely! after class we got a cabana on the beach and relaxed all afternoon. we did a little dialog, played in the waves and worked on our tans. I was a big bum and stayed in all night while everyone went out to dinner down town, but it felt so nice to have some me time. I took a bath, deep conditioned my hair, painted my toes, watched some movies, emailed, it was glorious. Today I was able to talk to mom and dad for awhile and i really needed it. I can't believe how much I miss home. It's only been a month, and I really do love it here, but it makes me realize how much I love home too, especially the people. I keep having the strangest dreams at night and my neice and nephew keep popping up in them. I had one dream my neice was already 10 years old and i had missed out on so much. I'm not wishing my time here away, but it's funny because so many people here have been talking about how they don't really know where they're gonna be living or what they're going to do after training. I guess now is a really great time to be looking for a job, studios all over the world are hiring, but for the first year at least, there's no where else I'd want to be than the sacramento area. I miss my studio in elk grove, i miss my parents house in lodi, and lord knows i miss the apartment i had in downtown sac. During the week I don't really have much time to be homesick, all we can think about is class and dialog, but the weekends are a little hard for me. I just feel funny not even having my cell phone with me. It's been over a month now and before i wouldnt fall asleep without my cell phone next to me in bed, not that i got important phone calls, really it was my alarm clock, but still... anyhow, i'm gonna study some dialog and then hit the sheets, night night all!

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Sweetest Thing...

There is absolutely no better feeling than coming off of an amazing ass kicking class, to go up and do a dialog when you know you worked hard, studied hard, and you do it right. I felt so amazing about my Triangle posture mostly because I went up there and I didn't let anything bother me. I didn't doubt myself, I didn't let anything from the past spook me, i just did it because I knew I could. I feel on top of the world right now. Except for the fact that it's ten till midnight and I gotta learn another posture now! still i'm gonna savor this and remember the feeling that way next time i fall, it won't be nearly as hard, and at least I know I can get back up. namaste!

Learning to Fly...

So the pace has picked up tremendously here and it feels ike everyone is in a frantic/panic mood. The past couple days i could feel myself on edge and last night's posture clinic was terrible. i felt good enough going into it, asn the teacher leading it was a fantastic woman named Terri who used to teach in Elk Grove so we shared a common bond of love for Carrie. I got up to do my dialog and she struck up conversation about my Bruce Springsteen shirt. I immiediately felt "nice and loose, comfortable, easy and flexible" (see that dialog is flowin like crazy) I was going to have a killer dialog and i was ready. ... and then she did it. right before I started she said "make Carrie proud!"... i don't know what it was but it totally threw me off. I made one smal error at first, and then another one, and then i started to panic, thinking, "oh my god she's gonna tell carrie that i'm terrible and carrie's not gonna want me to teach, and i don't know what i'm doing here!" yep, all that went through my head in about 1.5 seconds.. at the same time i started stammering the dreaded... "uhhhhhh" It was pretty bad for a second or two, I pulled it together and finished the posture but it spooked the hell outta me. I talked ot Terri about it and she told me it was perfectyl normal to have that reaction and that I would still make a fine teacher in Elk Grove. I was not convinced and was basically on the verge of tears for the rest of the night. I woke up still feeling completely anxiety ridden and had one of the worst classes of my life this morning. I cried my way through the whole floor series and as soon as I got back to my room I called the studio. Celeste picked up, and was amazing. She was exactly what I needed and made me feel a million times better... well for ten minutes at least. I went into afternoon posture clinic still on the verge of a panic attack/freak out. I just kept thinking about how before I left Christina told me not to be the dramatic girl at training and it almost made it worse because I kept worrying I was gonna start crying at an inappropriate time and be That Girl. Sarah Baughn-- who I will forevor be indebted to, led our posture clinic. During the break I realized asking for some help on the whole overwhelming anxiety/on on the verge of convulsive tears situation outweighed the seeming dramatic. So i waited till clinic was over and i sorta let her have it... she plopped down on the carpet with me and listened to me and basically she just let me feel exactly how I was feeling without any judgement. We talked for awhile and I walked away feeling like I had this huge burden that had just been lifted off of my shoulders. I walked into afternoon class with a smile on my face and I stood right in front of the podium and I had the best class I have ever had. FOr the first time during training, I held both sets ans sides of standing bow without falling out once and during the final stretching posture I kept my heels pulled up off of the floor the entire time which was the first time I've ever been able to do it. I found sarah after class and thanked her. I told her how I felt a million times lighter and it was because of her. She really is amazing and she told me how it wasn't her, i had helped myself. I still give her credit, but I am so happy that I swallowed my pride and knew when it was time to ask for help. Tonight is Triangle Pose in posture clinic, and I know I will do my best, whatever that may be tonight.